year one:

today: studying biology at hcc
spring 10: studying biology at hcc

goals: get transfer plans in order, get finances and debt in check, continue to work on my life

summer 10: family vacation in alaska, internship in alaska or california

year two:

fall 10: studying biology at hcc
spring 11: studying biology at hcc or studying biology at smith

goals: continue to pay my debt off, buy a good car, find comfort in my environment, continue to work on my life

summer 11: internship with fish and wildlife or fishery

year three:

fall 11: studying biology at smith
spring 12: studying biology at smith

goals: continue to pay off debt, get career goals in check, find shark researcher/scientist to shadow

summer 12: europe!

year four:

fall 12: studying biology at smith
spring 13: final semester at smith

goals: get all my credits and internships in order, get ready to graduate. graduate.

summer 13: move somewhere with my french teacher girlfriend (boulder co, northern california, montreal, oregon coast, portland maine)

2013: find a marine biology job, (fish and wildlife, aquarium, shark research)

year five:

2014: buy luciana a white samoyed puppy, tie a big red bow around her neck, tie a diamond ring around the bow and wait for my future wife to come home. watch her cry and say yes.

get married. following five years.. my french teacher wife and i will make as much money as we can, create a solid savings account, get a nice house in the most beautiful progressive city we can find.. and start our family.

April 14th.

 Dear __________,

Thank you for making me damaged goods.

Because of you, I don't trust anyone.
And it's hard as fuck to have a semi normal relationship.

Dear _____________,

Last time I checked it was my heart that was broken in the end. My devotion and my efforts. Last time I checked I trusted you and got every square inch of my heart torn apart. But we over this. 

Having a normal non fucked relationship is possible. We just had to get away from each other to see it. We had go through that heartbreak and "trust" issues to see what is out there for the both of us. 

We both wanted the other one to be happy and now we finally have that. I am happy for you. And I hope you are happy for me. We have both grown into the people we are without each other. That was the goal. To grow apart. I am very happy, and I can see you are too.

So in the end success prevailed. 

I stumble into you like a hurricane in a plastic bottle. Captive to your heart and ever changing with the tide.  Describe Yourself to me as tapping on a keyboard.  Impossible indeed. Was the ocean really as deep as you made me believe?  When you show me the glimmer, you showed me the sun. Overwhelming and beyond anything I expected. Comparing my life with the hour glass, things changed, things twisted with the sand. Time ran out and yet I still can't leave the desert.

I am checking things off my list.









you are one of them. 

For this day

Ever since the first day that I met you all I wanted was for you to be happy. All that I wanted was for you to smile with your eyes. Love with your heart. All that I wanted was for you to feel how you have always made me feel. I wanted you to live every day of your beautiful life knowing that you were loved to the full extent of my heart. I wanted to trust you. I wanted you to trust me. I wanted us to be able to communicate the words and feelings we never said out loud. I wanted us to love each other with more than just our words. But this isn't about what I want. You wanted to be happy. You found that. You wanted to smile again, you smile now. You wanted to grow, you grew into her. You wanted space, but you don't give it to yourself. You wanted to come home, I brought you home. You wanted to find new friends, you found my replacement. I am happy that you have gotten everything that you have ever wanted. I am sorry that I couldn't be the one to bring you this happiness. Thank you for making me as happy as I thought I was. You taught me things I will use everyday, till the day I die. Maybe one day we will meet the 4 Tower-Kerr babies we always imagined.. Maybe one day you can find happiness in the one who wants it more than anything in her life. Maybe one day you will alow the key to unlock your heart. Maybe one day you will see what is right in front of you. But untill that day. Live happy. Be free. Learn to trust. Give more than you get. Make sure she knows how you feel about her.   For this day. Goodbye.

In order for my life to fall back into place:

I need to allow her to breath

I love too much and too hard. 

All I want to do is make her happy and make sure she knows that she is loved. 

By constantly being availible has allowed us to forget what missing eachother feels like.
I need to stand back and allow her to come to me. Allow her to miss me and think about what our relationship truly means to her. 
In this time I will sit back and think about what things I can change to be a better partner, lover and friend.

I know that what we have is strong and beautiful, but you need ari to fuel the fire. She is my air. 
I have messed up a lot these past two years, in result I think I may have lost the one thing that has changed my life. 
She has changed how I view life and love. I know now that real true love exists. And the thought of having a home and a family could truly be a reality. I want that reality. 

I hope it isn't too late.  I hope she allows me to show her that I will change. I will give her all the time and space she needs. I will change. I want to be able to tell her that I am sorry. That all of this isn't just her fault. We both have things to work on here, and I want us to truly try. We are good, and she makes me unbelivably happy. I want her to know that. 

I miss her

I am at a point in my life where I am done.

I am done making coffee.
I am done making food. 
I am done with fake smiles. 
I am done selling shit I would never buy.
I am done scamming people for shit they really dont need.
I am done fattening up the world.
I am done driving shitty cars.
I am done living in cheap crappy apartments.
I am done spending money on stupid shit.
I am done living pay check to pay check.
I am done fucking around.

I am ready to start a career.
I am ready to work for a cause.
I am ready to make a living.
I am ready to provide.
I am ready to be responsible.
I am ready to pay off old debt.
I am ready to drive a decent car.
I am ready to live in a house.
I am ready to think about starting a family.
I am ready to plan my wedding. 
I am ready to grow up.